Fears

I started one post, a long one about a situation this week, and realized it didn't make a whole lot of sense without some context.  So, an anecdote and lesson, perhaps?

DISCLAIMER: I'm not an expert on OCD, having it doesn't make you an expert. All of the stories I tell and facts I share are about ME as an OCD patient.

OCD toys with the mind's deep fears.  Let's break it down: Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

Obsessive: These are the fears.  The things you obsess over.  No, not the fact that your room is clean.  Fear.  As in, something that consumes you. A very, very common OCD fear is AIDS or other diseases.  I've heard of OCD patients having fears of death, rust, pregnancy, even pencil lead.  These aren't normal fears- it's not like being afraid of the dark.  My deep, all-consuming fear?  Being homeless and alone.  I'll come back to that.

Compulsive: Compulsions are how you deal with the obsessions.  Imagine a very simple scenario: you're afraid of the color red (your obsession).  Red is scary.  So you do everything in your power to avoid red (your compulsion).  You don't go to the grocery store because there are red foods there.  You don't buy red clothes.  Blood is something you fear and avoid.  You're 'soothing' yourself with your compulsions. The obsessions are the wound, the compulsions are the bandaid.

I have a few fears, which I'll touch on eventually.  The fear that is at the core of me is ending up homeless and alone.  Abandonment is my biggest fear.  How do I compulse to combat that? I seek reassurance, all day and every day.  I ask people about my job performance almost constantly (I have to make sure I am doing a good job so I don't get fired so I don't fail, ending up homeless and/or alone), I seek reassurance that people aren't mad at me (they could leave me), I make everyone happy (I can't risk them becoming angry and leaving).  I compulse constantly, day in and day out.

That's enough for now- I'll be back with more- I had to get this one out first.